back track

disclaimer: the following story includes my opinions based on the lens through which i experienced my time on the farm. i recognize that "fact" in the legal sense may not apply to this post, as there are many sides to every story. 

right, so much has happened in the last two weeks. i realized that my last post was less an update and more...well, logistics. so here's what happened 2 weeks ago:

lizzie taught a 2-day eco-building course on the farm, and other volunteers and i helped cook and prepare materials for it. we also participated in the course a bit, which was an added bonus.

here're a couple photos:

4 people attended the course, and i was happy to find that a woman (louise) had helped organize it. of course, it's rare to find women in construction, and here i am with 4 of them: lizzie, her wife charissa, volunteer kirsten, and louise. the other three participants were men, who i gathered are working with louise to build an eco-community in southern spain. louise, her mother, and son have been traveling and researching opportunities to do this for a few years. they've settled in spain, so this course was a perfect connection...for them at least...

the race nonsense
now, i'm living on this farm in spain with all these white people. in the back of my mind, i knew from the get that some offensive shit was gonna occur at some point. apparently, this course was the time for it:
i realized early on  that one of the participants, michael, was german. so i eagerly began a german conversation with him. after a couple of interactions, he began to make reference to my being black. the first one was when me and one of the other (white) guys on the course were standing next to each other listening to lizzie give instruction. after that, the group began to disperse, and here comes michael, talkin' 'bout "oh, i should take a picture of you two; it would be black and white". the other dude just walked away, and mike stood there looking at me with that what? did i say something wrong? expression. i did the awkward "oh. ha ha ha. i get it." and he eventually asked, "was that racist?" i appreciated the question, as i thought he genuinely wanted to know. i told him i wouldn't call it racist, outright. i would instead call it awkward and unnecessary, to which he responded, "oh ok. well i like to push the envelope." and right there, i thought oh shit, here we go.
fast forward to lunch (photographed above), and the first thing out of his mouth as we sit down: "so what about your brother, obama?" to which, watch your mouth, white man automatically popped into my head. it disoriented me a bit; i mean, obama and i share a racial background and accordingly i feel some solidarity with him, especially talking to this envelope-pushing white dude. then again, that man is not my brother and i disagree with much of his and his administration's politics. so, neutrally, i ask "what about him?", and michael says something along the lines of "great, he's in his second term, butchering the presidency" or something like this. so here, he has made an association between me and obama, then made a criticism. i was caught off guard, so i paused for a bit, and the interaction was interrupted by lizzie asking me if i'd left my jacket near the recycling. it took us a few seconds to figure that out, and i gladly avoided any continuation of that obama bullshit. subsequently, i also avoided any conversation with michael, auf deutsch oder nicht.
but unfortunately, a raisin in the sun cannot escape its rays. that evening, we all met up at a local pension. just minutes after i sat down at the opposite end of the table, michael starts the nonsense again: "so i lived in the united states for 10 months, on the bible belt. erin, do you know this, the bible belt? i was surrounded by black people." he looked at me, and everyone else avoided eye contact with anyone. "ok, i live here in spain and i'm surrounded by white people. what's your point?" "well it was fucking weird, is what it was", he blurted out. then he went on about how the (black) baptists on the bible belt are walking contradictions, how they're some of the most prude people he's ever met, but behind closed doors they do dirty things. and how americans are scandalized by "tits" on television, but exploit sex in every arena. he contrasted it with germany, asserting that everything is just as it seems there and people don't sugar coat, and there are "tits" on the tv. just ranting on his soap box, because he's developed this hatred for america, fueled by his inability to re-enter the country a few years ago because he had an unacceptable passport. i rebutted with something about how all belief systems are rancid with contradictions and this has nothing to do with america, germany, or black people. i reminded him that he chose to go there, so if he had a problem with it he should've left the area -- which with all that equipment in his convertible car (i will get to this later), he should have had no problem doing. at this point, louise took over and started criticizing him for being so judgemental and lizzie got up and left the pension.
the conversation evolved into something more palatable and again, i avoided his attention.

the other nonsense
so it also became clear to me that this michael guy liked me as well. for one, i caught him peeping into my caravan when he thought i wasn't around. wtf?!
for two, he was constantly striking up conversations with me about random shit, like asking me why my name is spelled the way it is, if it is common, it's origin, and "how do you pronounce it again?"...multiple times. he made a point to explain to me how convertible his car is and how many places he's driven it to.
i thought i was trippin', but kirsten mentioned that she'd noticed him singling me out as well.

by the last day of the course, i was waiting for him to say something out of the way. i had all possible sassy, consciousness-raising remarks queued up on the tip of my tongue. but after he asked me how to pronounce my name once again and i ignored him, he left me alone.
i thought about pulling him aside and explaining that his behavior was inappropriate and offensive. but i just didn't feel like being that black woman, explaining to the white man that he is offensive. it just shouldn't be my job. he can raise his own damn consciousness!

so anyway, the course ended and everyone left. michael stood there next to my caravan as i hugged the other participants goodbye. i ignored him once again and he walked off.
it was great to meet louise, though. she's sweet, funny, and knowledgeable. she lives about an hour away from lizzie, and i hope to visit her before i leave spain.

over lunch we discussed the shamanic practice of taking ayahuasca for spiritual clarity. from what i understand this is an ancient peruvian practice, and three people on the course had done it before. they said it was a great experience for them, because at the time they had made the diet restrictions suggested prior to its use and they were mostly at personal peace when they participated. however, for someone who has physical or emotional toxins in their body, it can be a nightmare. this substance is illegal in the states, but legal in peru. 
it's interesting how peru keeps coming up here, what with the llamas and now with this spiritual practice. 
now, don't worry, i've done some research on this substance, and i was intrigued at first, but the horror stories successfully scared me off. apparently some tourists went to peru to try this and got caught up with some fake shamans who overdosed them and raped one of them. so hell no! my spanish and familiarity with the culture is just not good enough for me to successfully navigate this. 

so that was most of 2 weeks ago. thanks for reading. another update from last week's escapades coming right up!